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Sunday, March 11, 2012

Wanting to Be Sick

My son has had a flu this past week, and I've observed some characteristics that I have also noticed in adults (believe it or not, children are quite similar to adults. Ha. For some people, this will be a news flash).

Not while he was sick, but as he has been recovering, and gaining back his physical and mental strength, he's been showing extra emotion, making unreasonable demands, and whining for the things he wants rather than asking politely like he normally does.

Not only has he told me, "I still want to be sick," he's also been quite clear about the fact that he would prefer staying home, watching TV, and having people wait on him.

As a mom, I first questioned myself (for several days):

- "Am I doing the right things to make sure he gets healthy?"
- "Should I let him get his own water, or wait on him?"
- "Does it really make sense that he's eating all this toast. Does he internally know what's best for his body?"
Etc....Etc...The Etc.'s went on continuously.

It's become clear that he wants to stay sick, not to actually be sick, but to be cared for on a level that satisfies the human need for compassion, and seemingly his need to manipulate.

I can't lie and say that since he's been starting to feel better I've had an easy time being compassionate, what with his insincere willingness to feel better and his reluctant "please" and "thank you's." Compassion has been a struggle. Maybe part of this journey with him as my son has to do with my own compassionate growth.

This relates to adult behavior- I've noticed two correlations:

1. Adults too fall into patterns until the patterns are reprogrammed

Is this how some people can sit and watch TV for days? Maybe not. But, maybe!

2. Adults intrinsically want/need the extra compassion they receive when they're not feeling well

This is part of the reason that people update their status on facebook with the status of their health.
Is it a desire, or a need, to have people wanting to help you feel better? Perhaps it is a combination of both a desire and a need. They desire because they like the feeling of being cared for (fairly enough). They need because their needs for compassion are being met through the people surrounding them.

Tidbit: Nonviolent Communication people suggest that the reason people do anything
is because they are working to satisfy an unmet need.
I need to contemplate this idea further.

As a mother, one should question whether it is their duty to try and make their offspring feel better through purely physical avenues (medicine, food, drink, warmth), or whether the compassion-factor should play a role bigger than we are currently giving credit.

I've learned, through the process of my son being sick, that I will not do the same things next time. I will be more compassionate (easier said than done), and I will wait on him a little less, letting him take initiative to learn the importance of self-healing.

This is not to say that I will stop helping him in need, but I will recognize that it's not purely what I'm doing for him that is helping him to heal, but that it is also my compassion that is contributing to his healing.

The only thing I want when I am sick is my mom because I know she will take care of me. Maybe we're all just big kids who need the love of the people around us, whether we like to believe it or not.

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Thursday, March 1, 2012

Eye-Contact vs. Flirting while Married

My name is Nadine and I am married.
I am married to a man who is committed to me, and who I am committed to in return.
I don't hit-on men. I don't intend to flirt. I do not want to be asked out on a date by any other man.

I have enough confidence in myself not to need the attention of another man (although being attractive to any person does feel nice, of course).

Is it an unwritten rule that, because of all of the above, I am not allowed to make eye contact with a man and smile? I smile often, and the best feeling for me is to make eye contact with another person and feel that feeling of connection- of real engagement with another human being- you know, on a soul level.

It doesn't matter to me if I am smiling at a man or at a woman. Heck, I definitely smile at women more often than I smile at men. Am I being flirtatious by making eye contact and smiling? Am i "inviting" men to think they can make a move of some sort?

The way I see it is that I am walking a fine line. If I don't want to appear inviting, then I should avoid eye contact all together. I cannot do that because if I do then I am not being fair to myself and I am not respecting my need for soul connection.

I don't enjoy fleeting eye contact. I don't like looking at someone's eyes and then moving my eyes quickly to another place. It feels wrong. I don't consider my wanting to engage as being uncommitted to my husband. I am not intending to be disrespectful, but for some reason I am accusing myself of being a flirt (in a negative sense).

My mom would say that I am not showing myself love by accusing myself of being anything but wonderful and perfect just the way I am. I think that my husband would say that as long as I'm not making moves on other men, or allowing them to make moves on me, that I am being just as respectful as I always have been.

I know it's not smart to base my opinions on what other people think about a situation, but it's important to me to work in harmony in my relationships, and I trust the opinions of my mother and my husband. I also trust my own opinion.

Still contemplating this. Will contemplate some more, I am certain.